_Master_ Simon _the Physitian, by the perswasions of_ Bruno,Buffalmaco, _and a third Companion, named_ Nello, _made_ Calandrino_to beleeve, that he was conceived great with childe. And havingPhysicke ministred to him for the disease: they got both good fatteCapons and money of him, and so cured him, without any other manner ofdeliverance._
The Third Novell.
_Discovering the simplicity of some silly witted men, and how easie amatter it is to abuse and beguile them._
After that Madame _Eliza_ had concluded her Novell, and every one ofthe company given thankes to Fortune, for delivering poore _Isabella_the faire young Nunne, from the bitter reprehensions of the as faultyAbbesse, as also the malice of her envious Sisters: the Queene gavecommand unto _Philostratus_, that he should be the next in order, andhee (without expecting anie other warning) began in this manner.
Faire Ladies, the paltry Judge of the Marquisate, whereof yesterday Imade relation to you; hindred mee then of another Novell, concerningsilly _Calandrino_, wherewith I purpose now to acquaint you. Andbecause whatsoever hath already bin spoken of him, tended to no otherend but matter of meriment, hee and his companions duly considered: theNovel which I shall now report, keepeth within the selfesame compasse,and aimeth also at your contentment, according to the scope of imposedvariety.
You have already heard what manner of man _Calandrino_ was, andlikewise the rest of his pleasant Companions, who likewise are nowagaine to be remembred, because they are actors in our presentdiscourse. It came so to passe, that an Aunt of _Calandrinoes_ dying,left him a legacy of two hundred Florines, wherewith he purposed topurchase some small Farme-house in the countrey, or else to enlargethe other, whereof he was possessed already. And, as if hee were todisburse some ten thousand Florines, there was not a Broker in all_Florence_, but understood what he intended to doe; and all the worstwas, that the strings of his purse could stretch no higher. _Bruno_,and _Buffalmaco_ (his auncient Confederates) who heard of this goodFortune befalne him, advised him in such manner as they were wont todo; allowing it much better for him, to make merrie with the money ingood cheare among them, then to lay it out in paltry Land, wheretohe would not by any meanes listen, but ridde himselfe of them with adinners cost, as loath to bee at anie further charge with them.
These merry Laddes meant not to leave him so; but sitting one day inserious consultation, and a third man in their companie, named _Nello_;they all three layde their braines in steep, by what means to washtheir mouths well, and _Calandrino_ to bee at the cost thereof.
And having resolved what was to bee done, they met togither the nextmorning, even as _Calandrino_ was comming foorth of his house, andsundering themselves, to avoyd all suspition, yet beeing not farredistant each from other; _Nello_ first met him, and saide unto him,Good Morrow _Calandrino_: which he requited backe agayne with the samesalutation. But then _Nello_ standing still, looked him stedfastly inthe face: whereat _Calandrino_ mervailing, sayd: _Nello_, why dost thoubehold me so advisedly? Whereunto _Nello_ answered, saying Hast thoufelt any paine this last night past? Thou lookest nothing so well, asthou didst yesterday. _Calandrino_ began instantly to wax doubtfull,and replyed thus. Dost thou see any alteration in my face, whereby toimagine, I should feele some paine? In good faith _Calandrino_ (quoth_Nello_) me thinks thy countenance is strangely changed, and surely itproceedeth from some great cause, and so he departed away from him.
_Calandrino_ being very mistrustfull, scratched his head, yet feltehe no grievance at all; and going still on; _Buffalmaco_ sodainelyencountred him, upon his departure from _Nello_, and after salutationspassing betweene them; in a manner of admiration, demanded what heayled.
Truly (quoth _Calandrino_) well enough to mine owne thinking, yetnotwithstanding, I met with _Nello_ but even now; and he told me, thatmy countenance was very much altred; Is it possible that I should beesicke, and feele no paine or distaste in any part of me? _Buffalmaco_answered; I am not so skilfull in judgement, as to argue on the Natureof distemper in the body: but sure I am, that thou hast some daungerousinward impediment, because thou lookst (almost) like a man more thenhalfe dead.
_Calandrino_ began presently to shake, as if hee had had a Feaverhanging on him, and then came _Bruno_ looking fearefully on him, andbefore he would utter any words, seemed greatly to bemoane him, sayingat length. _Calandrino_? Art thou the same man, or no? How wonderfullyart thou changed since last I saw thee, which is no longer then yesterday? I pray thee tell mee, How dooest thou feele thy health?
_Calandrino_ hearing, that they all agreed in one opinion of him;he beganne verily to perswade himselfe, that some sodaine sicknes,had seised upon him, which they could discerne, although hee felt noanguish at all: and therefore, like a man much perplexed in minde,demanded of them, What he should do? Beleeve mee _Calandrino_ (answered_Bruno_) if I were worthy to give thee counsell, thou shouldst returnehome presently to thy house, and lay thee downe in thy warme Bedde,covered with so many cloathes as thou canst well endure. Then to Morrowmorning, send thy Water unto Learned Mayster Doctor the Physitian, who(as thou knowest) is a man of most singular skill and experience: hewill instruct thee presently what is the best course to be taken, andwe that have ever beene thy loving friends, will not faile thee in anything that lieth in our power.
By this time, _Nello_ being come againe unto them, they all returnedhome with _Calandrino_ unto his owne house, whereinto he entering veryfaintly, hee saide to his Wife: Woman, make my Bed presently ready,for I feele my selfe to be growne extreamely sicke, and see that thoulayest cloathes enow upon me. Being thus laide in his Bedde, they lefthim for that night, and returned to visite him againe the verie nextmorning, by which time, he had made a reservation of his Water, andsent it by a young Damosell unto Maister Doctor, who dwelt then inthe olde market place, at the signe of the Muske Mellone. Then saide_Bruno_ unto his Companions; Abide you heere to keepe him company, andI will walke along to the Physitian, to understand what he will say:and if neede be, I can procure him to come hither with me. _Calandrino_very kindely accepted his offer, saying withall. Well _Bruno_, thoushewst thy selfe a friend in the time of necessity, I pray thee know ofhim, how the case stands with me, for I feele a very strange alterationwithin mee, far beyond all compasse of my conceite.
_Bruno_ being gone to the Physitian, he made such expedition, that hearrived there before the Damosell, who carried the Water, and informedMaster _Simon_ with the whole tricke intended: wherefore, when theDamosell was come, and hee had passed his judgement concerning thewater, he said to her.
Maide, go home againe, and tell _Calandrino_, that he must keepehimselfe very warme: and I my selfe will instantly be with him, toenstruct him further in the quality of his sicknesse.
The Damosell delivered her message accordingly, and it was not longbefore Mayster Doctor _Simon_ came, with _Bruno_ also in his company,and sitting downe on the beds side by _Calandrino_, hee began to tastehis pulse, and within a small while after, his Wife being come into theChamber, he said. Observe me well _Calandrino_, for I speake to thee inthe nature of a true friend; thou hast no other disease, but only thouart great with child.
So soone as _Calandrino_ heard these words, in dispairing manner hebeganne to rage, and cry out aloud, saying to his wife. Ah thou wickedwoman, this is long of thee, and thou hast done me this mischeefe:for alwayes thou wilt be upon me, ever railing at mee, and fighting,untill thou hast gotten me under thee. Say thou divellish creature,do I not tell thee true? The Woman, being of verie honest and civillconversation, hearing her husband speake so foolishly: blushing withshame, and hanging downe her head in bashfull manner; without returningany answer, went forth of her Chamber.
_Calandrino_ continuing still in his angry humour, wringing his hands,and beating them upon his brest, said: Wretched man that I am, Whatshall I do? How shall I be delivered of this child? Which way can itcome from me into the world? I plainly perceyve, that I am none otherthen a dead man, and all through the wickednesse of my Wife: heavenplague her with as many mischiefes, as I am d
esirous to finde ease.Were I now in as good health, as heeretofore I have beene, I would riseout of my bed, and never cease beating her, untill I had broken herin a thousand peeces. But if Fortune will be so favourable to me, asto helpe mee out of this dangerous agony: hang me, if ever she get meunder her againe, or make me such an Asse, in having the mastery overmee, as divers times she hath done.
_Bruno, Buffalmaco_ and _Nello_, hearing these raving speeches of_Calandrino_, were swolne so bigge with laughter, as if their ribbeswould have burst in sunder; neverthelesse, they abstained so well asthey were able; but Doctor _Simon_ gaped so wide with laughing as onemight easily have pluckt out all his teeth. In the end, because hecould tarry there no longer, but was preparing to depart: _Calandrino_thanked him for his paines, requesting that hee would be carefull ofhim, in aiding him with his best advise and counsell, and he wouldnot be unmindfull of him. Honest neighbour _Calandrino_, answered thePhisition, I would not have you to torment your selfe, in such animpatient and tempestuous manner, because I perceive the time so tohasten on, as we shall soone perceive (and that within very few dayesspace) your health well restored, and without the sense of much paine;but indeed it will cost expences. Alas Sir, said _Calandrino_, mak notany spare of my purse, to procure that I may have safe deliverance.I have two hundred Florines, lately falne to me by the death of mineAunt, wherewith I intended to purchase a Farme in the Countrey: takethem all if need be, onely reserving some few for my lying in Childbed.And then Master Doctor, Alas, I know not how to behave my selfe, forI have heard the grievous complaint of women in that case, oppressedwith bitter pangs and throwes; as questionlesse they will bee my death,except you have the greater care of me.
Be of good cheere neighbour _Calandrino_, replyed Doctor _Simon_,I will provide an excellent distilled drinke for you, marvellouslypleasing in taste, and of soveraigne vertue, which will resolveall in three mornings, making you as whole and as sound as a Fishnewly spawned. But you must have an especiall care afterward, beingprovidently wise, least you fall into the like follies againe.Concerning the preparation of this precious drinke, halfe a dozenof Capons, the very fairest and fattest, I must make use of in thedistillation: what other things shall bee imployed beside, you maydeliver forty Florines to one of these your honest friends, to see allthe necessaries bought, and sent me home to my house. Concerning mybusinesse, make you no doubt thereof, for I will have all distilledagainst to morrow, and then doe you drinke a great Glasse full everymorning, fresh and fasting next your heart. _Calandrino_ was highlypleased with his words, returning master Doctor infinite thankes, andreferring all to his disposing. And having given forty Florines to_Bruno_, with other money beside, to buy the halfe dozen of Capons:he thought himselfe greatly beholding to them all, and protested torequite their kindenesse.
Master Doctor being gone home to his house, made ready a bottel ofvery excellent Hypocrasse, which he sent the next day according to hispromise: and _Bruno_ having bought the Capons, with other junkets, fitfor the turne, the Phisitian and his merry Companions, fed on themhartely for the givers sake. As for _Calandrino_, he liked his dyetdrinke excellently well, quaffing a large Glassefull off three morningstogether: afterward Master Doctor and the rest came to see him, andhaving felt his pulse, the Phisition said. _Calandrino_, thou art nowas sound in health, as any man in all _Florence_ can be: thou needestnot to keepe within doores any longer, but walke abroad boldly, for allis well and the childe gone.
_Calandrino_ arose like a joyfull man, and walked daily through thestreets, in the performance of such affaires as belonged to him: andevery acquaintance he met withall, he told the condition of his suddensickenesse; and what a rare cure Master Doctor _Simon_ had wrought onhim, delivering him (in three dayes space) of a childe, and withoutthe feeling of any paine. _Bruno, Buffalmaco,_ and _Nello,_ were not alittle jocond, for meeting so well with covetous _Calandrino_: but howthe Wife liked the folly of her Husband, I leave to the judgement ofall good Women.