“Assumed he didn’t know you.”
“Yeah. Never in a million years would I have guessed he was my secret benefactor.”
“I question why he would want to reveal who he is now,” Faelan told her.
“Beats me.” Mary crumbled the note against her chest. “But how exciting is that? Instead of some old grandma lady, I have a famous producer wanting to meet me.” Mary frowned. “I wonder what he wants?”
“I wonder that myself,” Faelan said, taking the note from her to look at it himself. “I do not want you to call him.”
“What? Are you kidding me!?”
“I don’t trust the man. He knows you are a submissive, so if he wanted to meet you he should have approached me first. This is just odd and out of place,” he stated, glancing at the note.
“Damn it, Faelan. Don’t ruin this for me,” she cried.
He furrowed his brow, now even more concerned. “What do you mean ‘don’t ruin this’? You know the protocol. If this man is serious about meeting you, he should contact me. I am your Master.”
Mary’s eyes remained glued on the note he held. “But I want to meet him.”
“I’m not denying you that, Mary. I simply expect him to follow protocol.”
She growled under her breath. “Fine.”
Faelan folded the note and slipped it into his pocket. “Let’s get out of here so we aren’t more late for work.”
He could feel Mary’s irritation as they headed to their separate cars. It did not help her cause. He was not going to budge on this. If Mr. Holloway insisted on thwarting protocol, Faelan would be obligated to inform the BDSM community in Los Angeles. Famous or not, no Dom had the right to pursue a collared sub.
Mary changed after that day, becoming silent and sullen. He could feel her pulling away and was desperate to stop it.
Even though he normally kept his private affairs to himself, he decided to share his concerns with Tono Nosaka. The Kinbaku Master had arranged weekly meetings with him after Faelan had recovered from the transplant surgery. Although Faelan had initially been resistant to the idea, certain Nosaka would use that time to lecture him, he soon began looking forward to their meetings.
It turned out he’d been wrong about Nosaka. The guy might be old-fashioned in many respects, but he was still someone Faelan could relate to. It didn’t hurt that he had a part of the man living inside him—a kidney—which inspired a feeling of brotherhood between them.
“What’s wrong, Todd? You seem burdened today,” Nosaka observed when Faelan sat down.
He gave the man a sideways look before choosing to tell Nosaka the truth. “I’m losing her.”
Saying the words out loud sent a chill down his spine.
“Has something happened? I know Mary has struggled before with the idea of being collared.”
“You mean when she talked to Brie and Lea on the phone and then complained that she didn’t get to play with the Russian?”
Nosaka nodded.
“I had no problems with it, and would actually enjoy watching them together. I planned to approach Durov the next time he came to the States and told her so. I get that she’s a free spirit. It’s never bothered me.”
“So what’s changed?”
“Someone from her past has made his presence known. He wishes to meet her in LA. He is part of the community there and tracked her down to my apartment in Denver, but did not have the decency to speak to me first.”
“Is he someone I know?” Nosaka asked.
“Yeah, it’s that guy, Greg Holloway.”
“Brie’s producer?”
“One and the same,” Faelan growled angrily.
“What possible connection could he have with Mary?”
“Truthfully, that remains a mystery. All I really know is that he left her gifts on her doorstep as a child. It was a kind gesture in a cruel situation, but it ended when she graduated from high school. Why he has tracked her down now makes no sense to me.”
“That is quite odd,” Nosaka agreed.
“I have to assume he plans to pursue her since he left me out of the picture.”
“That may not be the case.”
Faelan raised an eyebrow. “Brie told Mary that the old guy has had a thing for her since the beginning. He was the one who insisted Mary be in both documentaries and asked personal questions about her during their meetings.”
Nosaka sat back in his chair. “Now that puts a whole different spin on it.”
Faelan snarled. “He is a respected man in the community, yet he is knowingly breaking protocol by contacting her directly. And I can only speculate what it is he wants to do with her at that meeting.”
When Nosaka reached out his hand, grasping Faelan’s shoulder, he found the firm grip calming.
“Is Mary set on meeting with him?” Nosaka asked.
“She is.”
“You are right to insist he speak to you directly. Have you considered contacting him yourself?”
Faelan frowned when he answered, “I did. The dick treated me as if I were a messenger boy, not her Dominant. He wouldn’t answer any of my questions and instructed me to have Mary call him personally.”
“That does not sound like a healthy situation.”
“I totally agree, but Mary doesn’t see it that way. This is the person who helped her survive her childhood abuse with those small gifts. She feels the man saved her life and she wants to thank him for it.”
“Couldn’t her gratitude be expressed in a letter or a video?”
Shaking his head, Faelan huffed. “She insists it must be in person.”
Nosaka picked up his cup of tea and took a sip before responding. “Mr. Holloway’s dismissive attitude toward you is disturbing. The fact Mary is not upset by his treatment of her Master says a lot about her state of mind right now.”
Faelan closed his eyes. The writing was on the wall. He was going to lose her no matter what he did. Let her go, and he was certain the producer would seduce her with his power and money. The fact Holloway refused to have the meeting with Faelan present left him no choice but to deny the encounter.
Opening his eyes again, Faelan admitted, “The tension of the situation is causing animosity between us.”
Nosaka looked at him with compassion.
“Mary claims she feels trapped, but I have done everything in my power to support her without compromising us as a couple.”
“You have been exceedingly thoughtful in your care of her and the situation.”
Tears came to Faelan’s eyes. “I love her.”
Nosaka nodded, his eyes reflecting a similar pain. “We do not choose who we love, but we do choose how we love.”
Faelan groaned. “I don’t want to be relegated to friend status again. She and I have come so far, to go backward now…” He looked at Nosaka. “We were happy together.”
Nosaka nodded in agreement, but reminded him, “We both know Mary carries wounds that still influence her rational thought. She comes from a place of need. It colors her decisions, as well as the way she views the world.”
“Is there nothing I can do?”
“I would tell Mary exactly how you feel. Be completely open and honest with her, put everything on the table. Mary is at a crossroads. She must choose her future, and it is imperative that decision be based on truth.”
“I don’t want to lose her,” Faelan stated, his stomach turning in knots.
Nosaka was empathetic. “You have provided her a safe and loving environment. There is nothing more you can do as a Dominant. Unfortunately, her ultimate decision is out of your hands.”
“I can’t handle it if she runs. I won’t!”
Nosaka looked at him kindly. “We can’t hold on to what was never ours. You will survive whatever decision Mary makes. If you are meant to share this life together, this test will bring you closer together. If not, you will be set free. You will need to think of it that way.”
“I will never love again if that happens.”<
br />
“I know it feels that way now, but we can’t know what the future holds.”
Faelan stared hard at Nosaka. “I won’t ever put my heart on the line again if she leaves me.”
“Do you regret collaring her?”
Faelan was taken aback by the question and frowned. “No…but I went into it believing we had a future together.”
“Most people have their hearts broken multiple times in this life. It’s human nature to want to protect ourselves from the pain, but it limits our experience on this Earth—not enhances it. I would rather know pain and live than isolate myself and feel nothing.”
“You are a braver man than I.”
“I disagree,” Tono replied with a smile. “I see a strength in you I admire. It was forged in the past but continues to increase over time.” Faelan felt a quickening in his spirit, as if Nosaka was speaking to something much deeper. “You will come out of this stronger, whichever way it goes. Trust that, and move forward with conviction, Todd Wallace.”
Faelan shook his head. “I don’t know how you do it.”
“Do what?”
“Make me feel okay about an impending heartbreak.”
“You are destined for great things. Whether it is with Mary by your side or not, your path has not changed.”
“You know, I really couldn’t stand you when we were fighting for Brie. I resented you even more when I found out you were my donor. But damn, Nosaka, you are an extraordinary human being. I mean that.”
Nosaka looked down at his tea and smiled. “I found your arrogance off-putting when we first met. I won’t deny it. However, your need for a transplant was a turning point for both of us. Fate was kind setting our paths to intersect.”
“I’m alive because of it.”
“And I am a better man for it,” Nosaka countered.
“I don’t think I ever told you how much I look forward to these weekly get-togethers. Although I was initially reluctant, I have come to count on these talks.”
“As have I.”
Faelan looked down at his empty coffee cup. “I guess that’s it then. Tonight, I will either have the answer I want from Mary or…”
“You will be a free man,” Tono finished.
Faelan entered the apartment feeling less conflicted than when he’d left. It gave him the courage to have a deep conversation with Mary—but she never gave him the chance.
Mary’s expression was icy and hostile when she turned to face him. “I’m done.”
She said it with such finality that Faelan held his breath.
Moving over to her, he took Mary in his arms, wanting desperately to break through this stone wall she’d erected. “I know we’ve been struggling lately, but we can work through this.”
When she stared into his eyes, he felt a sense of panic wash over him. Her eyes held a coldness he hadn’t seen in all the years he’d known her. “Don’t do anything you’ll regret,” he warned.
“This moment has been coming for a long time.”
“Why? Because some stranger wants to come between us?”
“Why couldn’t you just let me go, Faelan?”
“You know why.”
“No, I’m not talking about Mr. Holloway. I mean after you left me at the commune. You should have kept going. You should never have collared me. You know it and I know it.”
“I didn’t come running back. You came to me.”
Mary’s nose crinkled into a snarl. “Because of that damn Brie. She just had to butt her nose in my business.”
Faelan lifted her chin, although Mary resisted. He forced her to look into his eyes. “It wasn’t Brie’s fault and you know it.”
“The fuck it wasn’t!”
“You knew that by telling Brie how you felt, I would eventually find out. She was only a pawn in your game.”
Mary ripped herself from his grasp and moved toward the window. “You have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Mary, I know you so well. I feel the unspoken anger and fear you carry inside you even now. I am not scared or offended by it. I want to help.”
She whipped around and yelled at him. “Stop being so damn perfect. I’m so sick of it!”
“What do you want me to do? Tie you up and beat you like your father?” he growled. “Are we really back to that after all we’ve been through?”
Mary rolled her eyes. “Oh, I’ve never fucking asked you to love me. I never wanted it.”
“Bullshit. You wanted me at your graduation and you pursued me relentlessly until I finally got the hint.”
“Yes, I wanted you, but only to play with. You knew I abhorred commitment.”
Faelan moved away, her resentment causing his own blood to boil. “You say you don’t want commitment, but it is the only thing you truly crave. You never got it from your mother or father, not because you weren’t worthy but because they were incapable of it.”
“Well then, that’s me. I’m their fucking offspring after all. What do you expect?”
He faced her as he said emphatically, “You are different from them. I see you for who you really are and that frightens you.”
“Pah-leese… What I know is I feel suffocated whenever I am around you. It’s like I can’t breathe.”
“If you need time away, take it. There’s no reason to ruin what we have because you’re running scared right now.”
“Damn you!” she screeched. “You refused to listen, so let me make this perfectly clear. I don’t want this. I don’t want you!”
The icy dagger of her words penetrated his heart and left him momentarily stunned.
“You knew who I was when you collared me. It was always going to end like this. You know that. I can’t stand being caged, and you telling me to take some time off totally infuriates me. I can’t even have the satisfaction of leaving you because you are ‘allowing’ me to do it. Well, fuck you!”
Faelan shook his head helplessly as he watched his whole world crumbling before him.
“You became a total pussy the night you killed that boy. All these years you’ve blamed yourself and let life walk over you. Even now, you’re looking at me like a lost puppy. Well, I’m not your goddamn savior.”
“No, you’re not. I’m yours.”
Mary blew up. “And there we have it! Lord Faelan, self-appointed savior of the damned.” She smiled cruelly. “But you had no idea who you were messing with when you fell in love with this damned soul, did you?” She leaned forward, beckoning him closer. “I’ll let you in on a little secret…”
Faelan stayed where he was, glaring at her as he prepared his heart for her final blow.
“I’ve been playing you this whole time. I knew you would fall in love with me, all men do. I also knew you would ask for me back. I played with your feelings like a cat plays with a mouse before it pounces for the kill. I knew I would crush it into a million bloody pieces someday. I warned you plenty of times.”
Coldness took over Faelan’s heart, but the fighter in him had to tell her the truth. “You are only fooling yourself if you think that.”
Mary’s laughter was ruthless and cruel. “Why did you trust me with your heart? You knew I would destroy it.”
“No,” he said, his voice strained. “What you are doing is killing your one chance at happiness. I see it clear as day, don’t you?”
“You called this happiness?”
“It could have been if you’d given us a chance.”
“Your love suffocates me.”
“Only because it’s real and you can’t handle it.”
“Shut the fuck up.”
“You only talk like that when you know I’m right.”
She glared at him.
“No one will ever love you like I loved you.”
Mary sneered. “Well, I don’t need the love of a boy. I need a man.”
“You’ll get exactly what you deserve, Mary. But I wanted so much more for you.”
“Spare me your sympathy.”
Faelan stepped back from her. He looked at Mary with a critical eye as if for the first time. She had everything going for her, the looks, the smarts, the talent, and the drive. But she lacked one critical element. She didn’t believe her own worth, and no amount of love from him would ever change that.
He understood that now…
Faelan closed his eyes and turned away from her.
“Just so we’re clear, I’m walking out on my own fucking terms.”
“Go,” he said under his breath.
“On my terms!” she screamed as she walked to the bedroom and started ripping her clothes off the hangers, throwing them onto the bed.
Faelan walked out of the apartment, feeling completely cold to his core. He wandered the streets in a daze, oblivious to where he was or where he was going.
Sure, he’d noticed her pulling away months ago, but he had believed, with time and patience, he could prevent this from happening.
Tono Nosaka had prepared him for the eventual break, convincing Faelan that it was time to let Mary go, but he couldn’t give up on her. Faelan knew the trapped soul inside that smugly confident façade she wore like a shield.
Mary was right, however. He truly believed he was the one to save her. He endured all those trials she’d put him through. And now she’d proved him wrong. Pulling out his phone, he dialed Captain’s number.
“Just a heads-up. Mary left me. I have to assume she’ll be heading to LA soon and she’ll need your guidance.”
Captain cleared his throat. “I’m sorry it has ended this way.”
“Not looking for sympathy, but wanted you to know. She’ll need someone by her side when she finally crashes. Not that she’ll ask for help from anyone.”
“I will inform Dr. Reinstrum and see what he advises I do.” Captain paused for a moment before asking, “Are you okay?”
“No, but I’ll survive.”
“I may be close to Mary, but I consider you a friend as well. If you need anything, don’t hesitate to call. Candy and I both admire your loyalty toward lief.”
“Unfortunately, it didn’t win me any favors with her. Quite the opposite. I’m just an idiot who had his heart ripped into shreds for her entertainment. Everyone saw it coming—but me.”