NO! What was I doing??
She never noticed me, so I decided to head off to work. Maybe driving Mr Young around all day would clear my mind and get rid of these laughable thoughts.
I pulled up outside his office and got out the car. I walked into the reception and I had to blink just to make sure my eyes were playing tricks on me. What the hell was she doing here? She gave a wave and I rolled my eyes.
“Lara?” I groaned, as I got closer. “What are you doing here?”
“Working!” She sniped. “Mr Young is taking me to brunch to talk about a new investment. And you?”
“You know!”
“Oh yeah,” she turned her nose up. “You're the driver! How could I forget...? After all,” she began to look round. “Like anyone would offer you a job to here.”
“I'll be in the car” I snapped, walking back the way I came. I hated her. It was hard to believe we were even related.
I got back into the car. I switched the radio on just for something to distract me, but that didn't help, I was still thinking about Jo. This was really starting to get frustrating, with what Tess had said and my thoughts about her lips, I always actually going crazy.
Why now? It was if Tess's words had linked some invisible path my brain had mentally blocked out. Did I love Jo that way or was I just mortified that Tess had accused me of being in love with Jo.
Like it even mattered, Jo was madly in love Ryan-- he was the one. I knew for a fact my feelings for Tess hadn't reached that point yet. Which was also another thing bothering me?
“Ryder,” Mr Young got into the car. “Take us to Café Midi.” I looked in the mirror and my sister was looking rather smug. She was getting more and more like my dad. That was my cue to stop my self pity thoughts and get to work. I turned the radio up a little and drove off.
***
I got in that night and something smelled delicious. Jo appeared out of the kitchen wearing an apron. She was smiling and looked very pleased with herself. I distracted my eyes and flopped onto the sofa.
“So,” she began, her voice sounding very cheerful. “I have cooked dinner and got us a DVD.” I picked up a magazine just for something to do. “We haven't spent much time together” her hands landed on my shoulders and I froze. Her mouth only itches away from my ear. If I had turned quickly I could kiss her. “Sound good?”
My heart was beating fast and some sort of electric current from her touch was going through my body. I bit down on my lip and just nodded. “Good!” And then she was gone.
Great, how was I going to get through a whole night with her so close? She strolled back into the living room and placed a plate on my lap. I couldn't do this, I rubbed my brow. How was I going to get this out without hurting her feelings?
“Jo” I began, holding the plate away from me. “I'm not in the mood to watch a DVD.” Her face fell and now I felt bad. “I'm sorry.” She took the plate off me and I got up.
“Wait!” She yelled at me. “Something is going on, Ryder and I want to know. You have been strange to me for days... What is your fucking problem?”
“I don't know,” I froze again, this time in the doorway. I couldn't turn round and look at her. “Tess said something and now I am sort of wondering if it holds any truth.” I could feel her presence behind me. “I just need some time to figure it out, that's all.”
“What did Tess say?” And I tensed up, her hand was now against my back and for some reason I turned to look at her. She was perfect and she smelt divine. “Please,” she begged, her big eyes looking up at me lost and confused. “Let me in, Ryder.”
I waited a second. I couldn't mess this up or let her freak out like I was. “She said that I was madly in love with you and vice versa.” Her head tilted to the side and she closed her eyes. “I said it was crazy, right?” My voice was on the brink of being high pitched. “Us? Love? You're my best friend.”
She slowly opened her eyes. “She's not completely wrong, though, is she?” I have no idea what was going through my mind. One second we were standing staring at each other, the next my lips were on hers. Our tongues dancing with each others and her fingers tugging at my hair. It felt right... Good! Every part of my body seemed to come alive and I had never wanted anyone this badly before. Not even Tess.
“No,” she pushed me away, trying to regain her breathing. “I didn't mean it like that.” I watched as the tears welled up in her eyes and now she was shaking. “No, Ryder...” She ran straight past me and into her room.
My legs couldn't withhold my weight anymore and I fell to the floor. I probably had just made the biggest mistake of my life and there was no way I could take it back or make it better. I had crossed that line.
That kiss... It was the most amazing kiss of my whole life and it confirmed all my worse fears. I was... I was no doubtingly utterly in love with Jo and I wanted her. We were right together, we were meant to be together and I was going to do everything in my power to make her see it too.
***
Thank god it was finally the weekend and I had agreed to meet Tess. It was not something I was actually looking forward to. Today I was going to suggest we should stop seeing each other.
Jo hadn't bothered speaking me since the other day and Ryan had spent every night sleeping at ours. What did she think I was going to do? Jump her in her sleep.
Everything thing had changed quickly, this time last week I thought all my happiness laid at Tess's feet and now Jo was all I wanted.
I heard the front door click shut. I guess they had gone out before I got up. This was now the new pattern. I pulled back the quilt and got out of bed. Coffee was very much needed and I made my way to the kitchen.
To my surprise Jo was sitting in her usual place at the table and a coffee cup was waiting for me. She gave a little smile as I sat down. “We need to talk” her voice cold and stern.
I looked up and she looked down at her own cup. Great, now she was avoiding eye contact with me? A stabbing pain deep in my stomach began and I knew I wasn't going to like what she was going to say.
“Get on with it” I mumbled.
“I have to move out and Ryan has asked me to move in with him,” she rushed her words at me. I was numb and the pain began to spread over my body. This was exactly what I had feared. “Say something, please.”
“I'm sorry” it was all I could think of. “But I don't regret the kiss or telling you, Jo.” I looked up and our eyes locked. “Tell me, truthfully, you didn't feel anything?”
She ran her hands through her hair and sat back in her seat. “Of course I felt something,” she sighed. “It's wrong, Ryder.”
“In what way?”
Pain flashed across her face and she let out a deep breath. “I am with Ryan and you are with Tess.”
“I'll break up with Tess” I quickly replied.
“What would happen to our friendship?” She leaned a little closer. “I can't lose you, Ryder. Your friendship means too much for me to lose you that way. It's stupid and I don't know why you have reacted in this manner. They were just words Tess said to you. It was her opinion on our unique situation.”
“It's true, Jo” I whispered and reached out for her hand. “Think about it logically. I have never been interested in dating other women because I didn't need to. I didn't have to look for 'the one' as she has always been with me.” I watched her expression soften and she was taking everything in. “It's always been you and nothing you say or do will change my mind.”
“I can't do it, Ryder. The best thing is for me is to move out, give us some space and you'll see sense.”
“You make it sound like I am going through some phase” I snapped. “You love me, admit it!”
She pushed her chair from the table and stood up. “Why? It won't change anything.” She started making her way to the door and I jumped out of my seat and blocked her exit. “What?” She screamed in my face.
“Say it out loud” I hissed through gritted teeth. “Tell me you don't love me an
d Ryan is all you need.” She tried to push past me, but I had hold of her and there was no way she could fight me off.
She gave up and her head fell onto my shoulder. Her shoulders moved and I could feel the warmth of her tears against my bare chest. Instantly I hugged her. I just needed her to admit the truth, just like I had done a few days ago. I inhaled her scent and my stomach flipped. Why was she making this difficult?
We were perfect for one another, we didn't have to go through that getting to know you rubbish. We were exactly where every couple wanted to be. We were comfortable in each others presence, we knew everything about each other and we were already living together. We had done our basic ground work without even realizing.
“Ryder,” she sobbed. “You know I love you-- just not in that way. Stop making this difficult for me.” She finally looked up and pulled away. With the back of her hand, she started to wipe the tears away. “Because I'll always choose him.”
I had lost and Ryan had won. She would pick him over me and it felt like someone had punched me hard in the chest. I moved out of her way and she left the room. What was I meant to do now?
She had made her choice. She had admitted she loved me-- like I wanted. She didn't want me in the same way I wanted her. She was going to move out now, that was for sure. I had some how managed to push her away with my just being honest.
Fool! Everything was perfect, why did I have to spoil it all. I would probably never even thought of it if it hadn't been for Tess.
Tess? I was meant to be meeting her today. Even though Jo didn't want me there was no point dragging things out with Tess. I didn't love her and I didn't really want to be with anyone else. Why didn't this all become clear years ago? I could have saved us both from the pain and anger. Right now, we could have built some sort of life for ourselves.
I couldn't stand here asking myself these questions. I had to get dressed and admit everything to Tess. She deserved to know where she stood and the thought of hurting someone else made me feel sick.
“Ryder!” Jo's voice screamed. “Come here!” I ran into the living room and she was standing in front of the television. She turned to look at me and just pointed at the TV.
It was Newsflash on one of those celebrity gossip channels and pictures of Tess were flashing up. At first I thought it was bad and then the presenter's voice started to speak.
“Tess Oliver's visit to New York this week was more pleasure than business. The 25 year old mega pop star has got engaged to her record producer boy friend” another picture of Tess holding hands with a tall dark skin man popped up to the screen. “The couple have been dating for 2 years. Tess's team did think he would pop the question in Europe early this month. However, she was kept waiting. We wish them both the best...”
“Switch it off” there was no emotion in my voice and I had to perch on the sofa. Jo did as I requested and now I felt used and dirty. The whole time had been a lie. Well, at least I didn't have to break up with her, I could confront her and maybe let out some of this pent up frustration.
I felt Jo sit down next to me and wrap her arm round my shoulder. “Ryder, I don't know what say.”
I closed my eyes and just took in that she was close to me. In spite of everything she was still by my side. She really was one in million and I couldn't lose her. Surely, I would be able to hide these feelings for her. I had managed to do so for years anyway.
“Please,” I begged, gripping hold of her free hand. “Don't move out.”
Her fingers started to rub along my knuckles. “Okay,” she whispered. “Okay.”
I quickly got dressed and raced to Tess's hotel suite. I knew she was there as she had called last night to make sure I was still going to meet her.
I had no idea what I was going to say or if she even knew it was all over the news. Either way, she was not going to get away this. The anger was still there. The feeling dirty had been replaced with humiliation. How much more could I take this day alone? At least on the bright side, Jo wasn't leaving me any time soon.
This was beginning to become a bit of a routine; making my way to her hotel suite and now we knew why. Our first date kept playing in my head-- why we couldn't be seen publicly, why she had choose the back to make her escape. It was nothing to do with protecting me. She just didn't want her record producing boyfriend to see the evidence of her betrayal.
I couldn't believe the first time I had put myself on the line like that someone had used and lied to me. It made me happy knowing Jo was still the only person I trusted and that made me love her even more.
I did my usual three knocks and she answered, dressed in some silk dressing gown. I hoped that wasn't for my benefit as it was completely wasted. The second I looked at her I knew she didn't have a clue. Her lips pouting and her eyes inviting me. I didn't say one word. I just followed her in and closed the door.
The second it clicked, she threw herself at me, her lips, trying to find mine, but I wasn't reacting the way I would have done a few weeks ago.
“What??” She asked innocently realizing I wasn't playing along. She took a step back and began to study me. “You okay?”
“No!”
“Why? What happened?”
I took a look at her left hand and there was no ring. She had no intention of telling me. Thankfully, that presenter had filled me in just in time. I shook my head and started pacing up and down the length of the room. She carried on watching, slightly amused by my behaviour. After all, it wasn't like I meant anything to her. I had been a hobby, something to fill in the gaps when she wasn't in New York. The more I thought about it the more I wanted to explode.
“Look!” She yelled and I stopped walking. “You have to tell me what exactly is going on. I am in the dark here!”
“You're in the dark” I said slowly. I wanted to burst out in a fit of laughter. She was complaining about her being in the dark? “I know, Tess. I know about your boyfriend.”
Nothing. She gave no reaction to anything I was saying. She had been caught out and she didn't care. She folded her arms and just shrugged.
“So?”
I narrowed my eyes. “So? That is all you can say? You have a boyfriend and you got engaged to him just yesterday. Are you not feeling mortified right now?” I ran my hands through my hair. She was unbelievable. Did she even have a conscience or a heart? “Exactly when were you going to tell me?”
“Never!” Her toned had changed to that spoilt brat voice. “It wasn't like we were madly in love or anything. After all,” I watched her lips curl into an evil grin. “Who could ever compare to your bestie Jo?”
I shook my head in annoyance. None of this mattered. She didn't care. I didn't care and she wasn't going to apologize. My time was wasted on her. I held my hand up and walked towards the door.
“Good bye, Tess” I added. “That poor man has no idea what hell you are going to make his life!” I slammed the door and started running down the hall.
I had to get away somewhere to clear my mind. I needed to be alone, to decide what or where I was going take my life. Fuck! There was only place I could go. Maybe... Just maybe I could turn to him and finally let him in my life. After all, I didn't have many other options left.
He was exactly where I predicted he would be. As I walked into his house, I could hear the classical music blasting through the house. I went to his office, he was sitting in his chair, resting his head back and his eyes closed. A bottle of Brandy and a glass sat in front of him on his desk. It reminded me of being a child, he would come in from work and me and Lara would race to get him his drink. Brandy—straight with one ice cube. He had always been fussy and particular.
His eyes slowly opened and focused on me in the doorway. “Ryder” he smiled, he actually looked pleased to see me. “Come in,” he waved. “Grab a glass and take a seat.” I did want he said as I sat I placed the glass on the desk. “What are you doing here?” He reached out for the Brandy bottle.
Now I was here I felt stupid, like he would
want to hear my insignificant problems. He pushed the glass towards me and picked it up. I took a sip and the Brandy burned down my throat, but it tasted good.
“Ryder,” My dad began his voice calm and relaxed. It actually took me by surprise. I hadn't heard him speak this way for a while. He was always so authorizing and tactless. “What's the matter?”
I took another sip and shrugged my shoulders. “Can't I just come and visit my dad” I managed to smile, but not for very long though. “You really don't want to hear it,” I laughed as I rested back in the chair and began to swirl the remaining Brandy in the glass.
He rested his hands on the table and sat up in his chair. “Try me? You may be surprised.”
I shrugged, what harm could come from this. “It's Jo,” I hesitated and was beginning to feel rather self-conscience. “I have discovered something about myself and her. Well, let's just say the feeling isn't mutual.” I downed the remaining drop of Brandy.
A silence fell upon us and his eyes were still firmly on me. He rubbed his chin and tilted his head. “And Tess? Where does she fit into all of this?”
“Tess is getting married” I laughed, I actually laughed at my own words. “I found out today she actually had a boyfriend and I have been just a past time.”
“I see” he nodded. “Jo doesn't love you back?”
“Not in the way I want-- no!”
“Mmmm,” he was rubbing his chin again. “You know she is lying to protect that waste of space she is with.” My eyes shot up from the glass and at my dad. His face full of concern, but he still looked very much in control.
“He's the one” I mimicked her voice. “I can hardly compete with that now, can I?”
It didn't last long, his fist slammed into the desk and I jumped out of my seat. “RYDER!” He yelled. “Have you not learned anything for me?” He let out a groan and rose from his chair. “Here are my three rules,” he pointed at me. “Listen and take it in, I won't tell you twice.” He put his hands behind his back and started pacing along his office. “ONE, locate your target. TWO, destroy competition” his eyes looked over at me. “Rip them apart if you have to. THREE, gain control and process!”
“Sounds like some flight pilot command” I cringed.