“No! These are my rules of business and they have never failed me.” His persona changed and his mouth twisted a little. “For fuck's sake!” He growled. “Look, if you don't get Jo to realize she loves you. Well,” he paused for a second to think. “I'll get you fired!” He flopped back in his seat.
My mouth opened wide in shock. “You can't do that.”
“I can and I will,” he huffed. “I have waited years for you to become normal and I will not allow you to sit back and let all this drift away.” He folded his arms. “Do something about it!”
I gave a little laugh, so that was his fatherly advice---'Do something about it!” I couldn't complain it was him all over, directly to the point. In a weird way it actually made sense.
Hadn't I already tried to do something about it and what was Jo's reaction, to leave...? The pain in my stomach began just at the thought of her not there. I knew deep down what the source of my problem was-- Ryan!
My dad's advice was good, but impossible to rely on. There was nothing I could do but wait for Ryan to mess up himself, which by his track record wouldn't be that long. It was as if I finally had come to a dead end and was in a no winning situation.
Patience seemed all I had left.
Chapter Seven
Trying to hold on
Life more or less got back on track and once again I found myself in my favourite place every night, the gym! Spending hours working out my frustration. I and Jo had somehow managed to get over the whole kiss and me declaring my love for her. That didn't mean I had given up, I was still waiting for that piece of scum to screw up.
I had just finished one of my gym sessions and was making my way home. I always enjoyed walking home from the gym, it helped to relax me and sometimes get a sense of normality. Even though I never actually spoke to anyone, in a way it helped me to socialize. I would give the odd smile to someone, maybe nod my head. Also, spending hours driving someone around, I needed to use my legs.
On this particular evening, I decided to take a different route and that's where I saw him walking out of a little restaurant. His arm draped round a black haired leggy slim woman.
I stopped in my tracks and watched as the pair started walking down the street. Could have been perfectly innocent if his hand wasn't now resting on the woman's arse. I pulled my baseball cap down slightly and decided to follow them.
It looked like they were heading towards an apartment complex and then I witnessed something unbelievable. She was fumbling around in her bag for something and out of nowhere he pushed her up against the door and started kissing her. Now, I knew this wasn't innocent. I thought about getting my phone out and taking a picture. What good was that going to do? I couldn't rub poor Jo's face in it.
I turned round and headed back onto my normal route home. What was I going to do? I knew deep down this was exactly what I had been waiting for. I couldn't give Jo the news that Ryan hadn't changed and was still cheating on her. Would she believe me if I told her? Most probably, after all, why would I make something up like this...?
I had to rush home and tell her. I had to save her from the humiliation, the pain and him! He no longer deserved her. He had one of the most beautiful, friendly, loyal, kind girlfriend in the whole of LA and he didn't appreciate it. Not one tiny bit. The more I thought about him, the angrier I got. A few times I thought about heading back and smashing his face in. Creep!
I finally got in and the flat was quiet, I glanced over at the clock. Jo would be home in ten minutes. I had ten short minutes to think about what I was going to say. Half of me didn't want to go through with it. While the other half knew I had no choice. Not because I wanted her—okay, yeah. I did, but it was out friendship and I wanted to be there to catch her when she fell.
I threw my baseball cap and bag to the ground. How? I was about to destroy her whole world and bring her pain. The exact same pain I had worried about since she read that email. I kept trying to tell myself I was doing this mainly out of love. That tiny nagging voice kept reminding me this is what I had longed for.
Was I being selfish or protecting her? Would she believe me or accuse me of lying? Would she still love me tomorrow or hate me for life? I guess the outcome was going to be what it should be and I didn't have a say in it.
I rested up against the wall and closed my eyes. Straight away like every other time I closed my eyes, I could imagine my lips on hers. Feel her body pressing into my mine and her intoxicating scent. My heart began to race and palms starting to get wet. My body reacted like that just by thought, if she was mine my whole body would be at her mercy.
I slowly took in a deep breath and opened my eyes. I had to do this, I had no choice. I couldn't lie to her, I loved her too much. I would have to live with whatever she decided—this was my final chance and I had to grab it with both hands and leave it up to fate.
I decided to head into my room and switched the radio on. The Kings of Leon-Closer filled my room. I dropped onto the bed and started listening to the lyrics. It seemed to give my thoughts a rest.
I closed my eyes. It was weird as if my thoughts and the lyrics merged together. Every single moment of my life with Jo flashed before me. I could feel my eyes dampen, I loved her too much.
“Ryder” I heard someone call out. “Ryder!” I slowly opened my eyes and her face was beaming down at me. “Hey,” she softly smiled. “Sorry, I stopped off to grab some food. Are you hungry?” I nodded, not able to speak. She left my room and my eyes followed her out.
I wiped away any remains of my tears. That was such a girly thing to do. I shook my head and stood up. This was it the women I loved was about to fall to pieces right in front of me. I walked into the living room and she was sitting on the sofa.
“I got us cheap booze and cheap Chinese,” she winked. “Just the way my man likes it!” I opened my mouth to say something but immediately declined. I knew there was nothing meant in her words. I wasn't her man just a friend!
I managed to fake a grin. “Only my girl could pull off that!” I winked back and sat down beside. I watched as she poured me a glass of wine. “Had a good day?”
She chuckled to herself as she dished out the food from the plastic pots. “Same old” I almost had a heart attack as she licked some sauce off her finger. This was going to be harder than I thought. “You?” She asked as she handed me a plate full of food.
I shrugged my shoulders, took the plate off her and got comfy on the sofa. Maybe I should wait till she had drunk a few more glasses of wine. It might help with lighting the blow. We both started eating in silence.
“This is nice,” she sighed. “I have missed this.”
“Yeah, me too” I mumbled, for all I knew this was maybe the last time we ever did this. I looked over at Jo from the corner of my eye. She was sitting cross legged and seemed happy, content and I now felt like the big bad wolf.
“More wine?” she asked.
“No.” I put my plate down and rubbed my face. I had to do it now. If I left it any longer I would bottle out and Ryan would be able to hurt her all over again. Then she wouldn't hate you! No, I couldn't allow her to carry on while he was cheating behind her back. She had the right to know. “Jo,”
Her big green eyes turned to me and she was giving the biggest smile I had seen in a while. I didn't care if she would hate me as I already loathed myself.
“Ryder,” her voice full of concern. “You're shaking!”
She was right, I was shaking and my mouth had gone dry. I couldn't look at her as I began to confess what I had witnessed this evening. I couldn't watch as her world came crashing down around her.
I began to fidget in my seat and I took in a deep breath. Now. I had to do this now.... “I don't want to be the one to say this to you, Jo. Please remember, I love you and will do everything in my power to avoid you getting hurt.”
“Ryder?” her voice sounded puzzled. “Are you okay?”
I raised my hand up to stop her in her tracks. “Let me say this qui
ckly... I saw Ryan today and he wasn't alone.” I took a sneaky peek at her, she seemed fine. I had her full attention, but she was fine. Relief hit me. I could get through the next bit calmer. “He was with another woman and I saw them kissing!”
She jumped up off the sofa and started walking around the living room. One minute her hand was over her mouth, then in hair and then SLAP!! The palm of her hand smacked me across my face.
“Liar!” She screamed, standing before me.
My cheek stung, I had never considered that as a reaction. Then Jo always had been unpredictable. I watched as she dropped to her knees putting her head in her hands and sobbed hard. I wanted to reach out and hold her, but I had a feeling I would end up getting slapped again.
She was shaking her head now. “Why would you make something like this up, Ryder? Why would you say something cruel, especially to me?”
I climbed off the sofa and kneeled on the floor in front of her. My hand reached out and touched her shoulder, she flinched, but she didn't deny my contact. “I am not lying. I would never lie to you...”
She removed her hands from her face and the tears were streaming down her cheeks. “I know why you would,” she sobbed.
“No,” I reached out for her and pulled her onto my lap, holding her tight and brushing her hair away from her wet face. “Jo, I would never do anything to hurt you. That was difficult for me to do. I have been debating with myself whether I should or not of told you.”
“Keep telling yourself that” she hissed, she pushed herself away from me and stood up. “I never thought you would sink this low.” Her eyes glared at me with pure hatred. “I told you I don't love you that way, but you have to keep going on... I actually believed” she gave a little laugh. “That everything was back to normal, but nothing has changed, has it?” She grabbed hold of her bag and slipped her shoes on.
“Where are you going?”
She made her way to the front door and opened it. “As far away from you as I can get!” With that, she slammed the door behind her.
I didn't know what to do, I was numb. I couldn't manage to get up and run after her. What had I done?
Chapter Eight
Crashing from the height
I couldn't bear to go to work, I had to stay here and wait for Jo to return. I hadn't slept all night, and Jo hadn't come home. I had tried to ring her, but her mobile was switched off. I was going out of my head with worry. I sort of had a funny idea where she had gone. To him!
Had she confronted him? And what lies had he filled her head with? Like it even mattered, I was the bad guy in all of this. I heard the lock click and jumped up from the sofa. It wasn't her... Ryan stood in my flat holding on to Jo's keys. His eyes scowling at me and his mouth tight.
“What?” I snapped.
“You!” He snorted. “Trying to split me and Jo up.” He shook his head and gave that smug grin you just wanted to punch off his face. “Got to hand it to you though, you never give up.”
“What are you doing here and where is Jo?” I asked, ignoring his stupid remark. Although, by the sound of it Jo had told him everything. It angered me that he was gloating. How could Jo be so stupid? Then her words hit me hard, 'You know I love you-- just not in that way. Stop making this difficult for me. Because I will always choose him'-- by the look of things, she had certainly done that.
He started wandering around my living room as if he owned the place. “She has decided to move in with me,” he smiled. “Which I'm happy about.”
“Why are you doing this?” I hissed, my eyes following his every movement. “You don't even love her, Ryan. I saw you kissing that woman! All you ever do is hurt her!”
“And she always comes running back,” he sang.
“Only because you brain wash her with your shit!” I ran my hands through my hair. “I won't let you hurt her anymore. I will do whatever it takes to make her see sense.”
“HA!” He yelled. “You'll have a hard job... She hates you, Ryder! Face it, the best man won. Back down if you know what's good for you.”
“Get out” I hissed, my jaw tight and hands clenching into fists. I knew he was waiting for me to hit him. He wanted that, he wanted to run back to Jo and show her my damage. “GET OUT!!” I screamed.
He slowly made his way to the front door. “It's over, Ryder. She's gone!” I ran over, opened the door and pushed him out. “And I didn't even have to make her leave!” I slammed the door in his face.
I rested up against it and tried to control my anger. I had to talk to her. I had to make her see sense. I looked over at the clock. She would be at work by now. There was no way I was going to stand back and allow him to get away with what he did. Most of all, I couldn't lose her. I couldn't survive anything without her by my side.
I charged in and started scanning the bar and my eyes fell on Jo, standing behind the bar chatting to one of the regulars. She looked up and her face fell. She slowly shook her head and disappeared out into the back. She was avoiding me, I didn't care, and I would stay here all night till she spoke to me.
I took a seat at the bar and decided to make myself comfortable, as I had no idea how long my duration would last.
“Hey Ryder,” said a cheery voice, I looked up and it was the bar owner. “Haven't seen you here in a while, what can I get you?”
“Don't serve him, Kev” Jo bellowed, coming up behind him. She was still giving me the evil glare. “He isn't staying.”
“Mmmm” I started to think. “I will have...”
“He’s not having anything” Jo snarled.
“I will have a beer, please, Kev” I said ignoring Jo. Kev did the same and when to the fridge to get a bottle.
Jo folded her arms and stood back and watched as the bottle was opened and placed in front of me. “Fine!” she snapped as she stamped her foot. She leaned over towards me. “One. Then you will leave.”
I gave a little smile as I picked up the bottle. “Don't count on it!” I took a gulp of the cold beer--- god, I needed it.
“I know what you're trying to do Ryder” I could almost hear a laugh at the back of her throat. “But it ain't happening!” She gave another one of her famous evil glares and got back to work. It looked like I was sitting here a long time then.
“Why are you still here?” Jo screeched as she returned back from her break. Indeed I was, I had sat at this bar for three hours and was enjoying my fourth beer. “Why are you stubborn, Ryder Hilton?”
“Talk to me and I will go” I smiled.
She looked down at her watch. “You have five minutes,” she nodded over to a quiet corner at the back. “Then YOUR leave!”
I got up and finally my legs came back to life. “We will see” I teased as I made my way over to where she had suggested. I sat down and Jo followed my lead. Now, I had got what I wanted but had no idea what I was going to say. We sat in silence. Jo was looking down at her hands. She looked child like, fragile, all I wanted to do was scoop her up and take her somewhere safe.
Her green eyes locked with mine. “You wanted to talk. So, talk!”
I leaned back and let out some air from my mouth. “Don't move out” I begged. “Please Jo, don't do this...”
“Enough” She said, cutting me off. “What has happened to you, Ryder?” Her eyes sad and heavy. “You have turned into a complete stranger. This obsession you have with us is unhealthy and I can not be around you.”
Her words were like a knife stabbing straight through the heart. My best friend and the woman I loved didn't want to be around me. Now it was my world crashing around me.
“Don't say that, please...”
She slowly got up from the table and her eyes never left mine. “I am sorry, Ryder. This has to end and I have to do it.” She leaned over and placed a sweet kiss on my cheek. “Good bye.”
I watched her walk away and get back to work. That was it that was our final goodbye. I placed my head on the hard wooden table. Something inside me had died and I was unable to move. I didn't car
e if anyone was watching as my tears began to flow.
Goodbye---had she actually said that? Surely, it wasn't final, how could there ever be a final goodbye between me and Jo. How would I cope without her being there?
My life had changed and I was the cause of it. Wasn't she the one who said '.When you fall in love with someone you want them any way you can get them—Even if they break your heart' Well, I had done that.. Why couldn't she see it? She hadn't intentionally broken my heart on purpose. I had somehow managed to do that single handed.
Then the pain kicked in and the thought that I had pushed her away and made her leave her home. Nothing would ever feel or seem the same again. My life was over!
Chapter Nine
Dreaming for so long
Friday
They say time is a good healer, but as the days went by, my grieving seemed to get worse. I couldn't face going to work, going to the gym or any other parts of normal day to day life. Each day that went by I would slip deeper and deeper into the black hole. The nights were more problems than the days. The night never seemed to end and the dark seemed to drag on.
My phone was constantly ringing, my father screaming down the answering machine. He didn't bother me for the first time ever. My thoughts were constantly with Jo. Our final goodbye played in my head in constant loops.
I couldn't eat. The stabbing pain became a never ending occurrence. I was a mess and truthfully, I didn't want it to stop. While I was like this my feelings for Jo had been real and it wasn't something I had dreamed about.
Monday
A whole week now and nothing. I keep hoping she will call or come round. I am staring at pictures of her for hours on end, just in case that one day I forget what she looks like.
I wonder how she is doing. Is she hurting this much? I doubt it, after she has her one.
Wednesday
I keep waiting for another emotion kick in... Maybe hatred or anger, but nothing. I keep thinking about death, I wonder when you die does all the pain, thoughts and feelings disappear? Right now, death seems a wonderful escape....
BANG!
BANG!
“Look at the fucking state of you!” Yelled a voice, I opened my eyes and quickly closed them again.
“Go away” I croaked my throat sore and dry. “Please.”