4. You see a random man in the streets swinging a sledge hammer at zombies. What should you do?
*a) Nothing.
b) Shoot him because he appears to be very stupid.
c) Run out and help him because everyone deserves to live.
d) Shoot the zombies around him so he will have a better chance to survive.
e) None of these because zombies are not real.
Discussion: The best choice is to do nothing. He may take out a few zombies, but more likely, he will soon be killed by the zombies. The man is clearly stupid; he should use his sledge hammer to forge a better zombie-killing weapon than a sledge hammer. C is the worst choice.
5. A few zombies have broken into your perimeter. What is the best weapon to use to eradicate them?
a) Kung Fu throwing stars.
b) An AR-15.
c) A chainsaw.
*d) Booby-traps.
e) None of these because zombies are not real.
Discussion: You should have booby-trapped your perimeter for just such an occasion. Let your bobby-traps handle the zombies in your perimeter. A pit with spikes...barbed wire...land mines...snares and other rope traps. My daughter brought up a good point... Killing zombies in your perimeter works the same as killing a zombie in your cellar—plus a land mine is surely to attract zombies too. A rope snare trap or a net that will let you drag the things away and dispose of them outside your perimeter is the best booby-trap to use. Most zombies are not capable of getting untangled from or avoiding such traps. C is the worst choice.
6. Zombies are randomly loitering in the streets and in your way. What is the safest way to quickly deal with them so you can keep going directly to your intended target?
*a. Use a dog as a decoy to lead them away.
b. Use an AK-47 to shoot them all because it is a distance weapon with excellent power.
c. Pour gas on them and set them on fire.
d. Use an M-16 because it is one-shot; one-kill.
e. None of these because zombies are not real.
Discussion: Most zombies will chase a dog or anything else that’s moving. Some zombies are even stunned by their own reflections. The only problem with using a dog is that some dogs like to run away and then run back towards you. Gunfire should be used in the open only as a last resort. It attracts more zombies. An M-16 is one-shot; one-kill on the living, not the undead. M-16s are not the best weapons for dealing with zombies. An AK-47 is better than an M-16 for zombies, but you need to save ammo and a dog decoy should work just fine, maybe. Dogs are expendable in the apocalypse. C is the worst choice.
7. In a zombie pandemonium, who is the most valuable person to form an alliance with?
a. A man because all men are superior.
*b. A survival badass, because badasses will increase your survivability.
c. A woman, because well you know…
d. A doctor, because they know how to care for sick people and can help you find a cure.
e. None of these because zombies are not real.
Discussion: Badasses are invaluable in a zombie pandemonium. By the way, the Great State of Texas is known to have the highest percentage of badasses per capita. You may think that two badasses double the badass effect. But studies have shown that the badass effect is actually exponentially increased with the addition of more badasses. I personally know plenty of female badasses. My own mother was a total badass about 20 years ago. Just be sure you side with good-natured badasses. You will run into plenty of evil badasses in a zombie pandemonium event. These sorts of badasses are to be avoided. People often confuse assholes for badasses. It’s true that some badasses are assholes, but not all assholes are badasses. Badasses and assholes have been shown to have an almost equal rate of survivability in a zombie apocalypse. Remember, there is something about assholes that makes them resistant to almost all forms of death, natural or otherwise. While assholes have an increased survivability, studies also show that those non-assholes close to or around the asshole have a significantly lower survivability probability than if there were no assholes around at all. In fact, multiple assholes actually decrease the survivability of other assholes, unlike and in contrast to the effect of multiple badasses.
8. Which of the following are the best places to get training to survive a zombie apocalypse?
*a. Military, Boy Scouts, ROTC programs, local community first-responders courses.
b. Med school, church, construction trades, frat house zombie parties.
c. YouTube, video games, zombie movies, Halloween events.
d. 5K zombie races, martial arts classes, boot-camp style cardio workouts.
e. None of these because zombies are not real.
Discussion: C is the worst choice.
9. You are out of bullets. What back-up weapons should you quickly switch to?
a. A chainsaw, pruning shears, or some other gardening equipment.
*b. Speed, Stealth, Distance.
c. Look around and find something to make a rudimentary lathe.
d. Your trusty hunting knife, a sword, throwing stars; anything with a sharp edge.
e. None of these because zombies are not real.
Discussion: Speed, Stealth, and Distance should be your primary weapons and your most useful back-up weapons. As you take aim and fire, even in the chaos of a zombie melee, you should still keep track of how much ammo you have and remain aware and sensitive to just when would be the right time to duck out and get away. Never let yourself get cornered. Always plan for a way out. You wouldn’t make a plan that says switch to the sword or machete when I run out of ammo. The best plan says to use the sword or machete as much as possible and switch to guns only as necessary to conserve ammo.
10. One of the members of your team was bitten by a zombie in the last melee. What should you do?
*a. Wait and see if she turns into a zombie.
b. Kill her now and redistribute her shit.
c. Chop off the part of her body with the bite.
d. Make her drink 4 gallons of salt water or massive amounts of tequila.
e. None of these because zombies are not real.
Discussion: B is not a bad choice, especially if you don’t have the luxury of waiting to see what happens to her. Sometimes the most humane thing to do might be to kill your friend. If she is a highly valuable member of your team, and you have the time, you should wait and see. Zombie bites do not ALWAYS turn the victim into a zombie. Not all Z-virus infections turn the person into a zombie either. Sometimes they survive with increased immunities, sometimes they just die, but most of the time they will die and reanimate as a zombie. While there is a Harvard study that says drinking four gallons of salt water will prevent you from succumbing to the Z-virus if you are bitten or contaminated by other means, it’s hardly practical to sit and ingest four gallons of highly salted water; this is just as likely to kill you and so is alcohol poisoning. C is the worst choice.
Your goal is to get 100% correct. How did you do? If you suck (you got more than two wrong and you didn't even hit on the second best answers), don’t worry. You can take the test again later. Go back and read my earliest zombie apocalypse survival articles in the meantime. Let’s continue the post-test discussion.
11. You come across a stash of weapons and you cannot take them all. Which of these weapons and their ammo will you take with you as your main priority?
a) The shotguns.
*b) The 9mm pistols.
c) The chainsaws.
d) The M240 Golf.
e) None of these because zombies are not real.
Discussion: Always collect all the 9mm pistols and ammo you can get your hands on. The 9mm is the base of the survival arsenal: lightweight, big enough bullet, plenty of options in pistols manufactured in the US, low cost, and easy to find, replace, and shoot. C is the worst choice.
12. A zombie just bit you and you are pretty sure you are not immune. What should you do?
a) Hide in a closet with a bottl
e of whiskey, waiting for the Z-virus to kill you.
b) Hide your condition from the people around you because they will discriminate against the infected.
c) Chop off the part of your body that was bitten.
*d) Go out in a blaze of glory, taking out as many zombies and bad guys as you can find before you turn.
e) None of these because zombies are not real.
Discussion: I’m a true fan of the bottle of whiskey as a solution to most problems in a zombie apocalypse, so long as you have enough whiskey. But going ape-shit and taking out as many zombies and bad guys as you can find is a great and honorable way to offer your last service to this world. Hell, do it while totally hammered on the whiskey...that’s even better! C is the worst choice.
13. It’s easier to survive a zombie apocalypse if you are:
a) A total badass.
b) Friends with total badasses.
c) Not stupid.
*d) All the above.
e) None of these because zombies are not real.
Discussion: Surviving a zombie apocalypse is tough, but it’s tougher if you’re stupid. If you are not a total badass yourself (work on this, while you have time), you should try to make friends with as many badasses as you can. Sometimes having friends who are badasses is better than being a badass because the badasses will have low expectations for you and you can sometimes get by on living up to your badass friends’ low expectations. I have my suspicions and some psychological research that suggests the amount of tolerance badasses will have for you will be directly and positively correlated to your level of attractiveness and perhaps your usefulness for other things.
14. In a zombie outbreak survival event, which of the following should be your main priority?
a) Finding food.
*b) Finding water.
c) Finding gold and jewels.
d) Finding shelter.
e) None of these because zombies are not real.
Discussion: During a zombie pandemonium you will find tons of people hoarding things they think are valuable. ...Things like: cigarettes, booze, jewelry, Twinkies, TVs, Air Jordan basketball shoes, all sorts of useless things. People will actually fight and kill each other over these useless things. To survive a total pandemonium, you must have a source of clean water. If you think I’m wrong, I want you to get dressed in your Air Jordans, pack some cigarettes and booze and Twinkies, put on all your bling-bling, and pack a TV too, and then hike out to the deep woods and hang out for a while. If you don’t find a source of clean water quickly after hiking out, you will soon become a casualty and a permanent part of those woods especially in the hot, summer months. I would tell you to try this in a desert like the Joshua Tree National Park, but then I don’t really want anyone to die. You would die. I am a certified desert, jungle, and urban survivalist instructor (admittedly, I failed cold weather survival school due to injuries) and the first consideration of surviving in almost any climate is the availability of clean, drinkable water. You can live for less than three days without water in a hot, dry climate. Unfortunately water isn’t something that can be hoarded. More people will die in a total collapse of society from a lack of water than from almost anything else...except viruses and zombies and assholes of course.
15. Which of the following people are extra vulnerable in a zombie apocalypse?
*a) People with kids.
b) Healthy people who are current on their medical evals and who also get all their shots.
c) People who don’t wash their hands.
d) Assholes.
e) None of these because zombies are not real.
Discussion: In regards to a pandemic viral event, I said this before: “Prevention is the best cure. Get your flu shots (free in a lot of places), wash your hands often, stay the hell away from sick people, and watch out for kids. Kids are the germiest, nastiest, cesspool petridishes of viral outbreak potential and almost everyone has them or knows some—they don’t wash their filthy little hands, they put crazy things in their mouths all the time, and they touch everything. People with kids will be the first and fastest to fall from any kind of pandemic outbreak.” In a zombie apocalypse, I don’t want to describe for you how bad things will be for kids. It’s going to be bad for children and people with children. Kids will be a major vulnerability. I’m currently working with the outbreak authorities from FEMA, the CDC, and the FNS (Food and Nutrition Service) on a new zombie outbreak protocol where a large number of not-so-old-timer ZORT guys like me will join up to specifically go out into the apocalypse to rescue children and evacuate as many as we can and as often as we can back to a safe location off shore (I can’t tell you where – No, not Disney World Orlando!). Recognizing that children are this nation’s (and any nation’s) most valuable and vulnerable resource, this protocol is designed to protect and secure this resource. I can certify for you that there is no protocol to do likewise for rich people, Hollywood elites, industry elites, or sports superstars. There is, however, a similar protocol for academic elites, political elites, and our best and brightest scientists. For the children’s rescue protocol, do a Google search for “Operation Sandman AND CDC” and you may find the info to get your kids registered or other kids you know. Just be ready for a world where being a kid is not a good thing to be. Once the world goes to the dogs, you’ll also see a world-wide drop in birth rates and a drastic increase in infant and child mortality rates. It is estimated that in 1918 (Spanish Flu), the world-wide birth rate quickly dropped by at least 82%.
16. Which of the following myths are not true about zombies?
a) Zombies like to eat brains.
b) Zombies, for some strange reason, will attack Black people more than other people.
c) Zombies are not real.
*d) All the above myths are NOT true.
e) None of these because zombies are not real.
Discussion: Zombies do not favor brains over other body parts. Zombies are not more likely to attack Black people or any other group of people…except maybe stupid people. Stupid people are like zombie magnets. Zombies are equal opportunity threats to all of us. However, I will share this again… Harvard researchers found that African Americans who are descendent of survivors of the slave passage, the journey African captives were forced to take by ship to get from Africa to the Americas where they were sold as slaves, are more resistant to the Z-virus than other people. The flu virus has an infectious rate of about 15% for those who come in contact with it. Z-virus has a rate of about 70% on average. For African Americans, the rate of infection by the flu virus is lower than for others and for the Z-virus, the infectious rate for African Americans is about 50% in otherwise healthy people. Researchers believe this is related to the high blood pressure and hypertension that is more prevalent in African descendants who survived the slave passage. The same factors that make African American more susceptible to high blood pressure and hypertension also make healthy African Americans mush more resistant to viruses. This may be where the myth that zombies won’t attack Black people comes from. Of course zombies are real.
17. A zombie horde is coming your way and you need to move. Which of the following is your best survival tactic in this situation?
a) Rig your shelter to remotely blow up if a zombie horde comes.
*b) Use stealth, speed, and distance to fall back to your back-up shelter.
c) Cover yourself in feces and zombie guts and goop and pretend to be a zombie.
d) Utilize every weapon and all the ammo and explosives in your arsenal to repel them to hang on to your shit for as long as you can.
e) None of these because zombies are not real.
Discussion: You should always use speed, stealth, and distance to avoid contact with zombies. You should always have a way out of your shelter. It’s not a good enough shelter if it doesn’t allow you a way to safely get the hell out of there in a mad dash. You need to always plan and have a back-up shelter to escape to. Never destroy your shelter; once the zombie horde m
oves on, you may be able to go back to it and get your shit. C is the worst choice...this idiotic idea doesn’t work! Zombies detect non-zombies by the pheromones we give off and by our electro-magnetic field (Yes! Like bees and sharks). This is the reason why even the best shelters eventually attract zombies. There is no way that I am aware of that you can reasonably mask yourself enough to fool a zombie. I am aware of one test subject at Texas A&M who was infected, recovered, and was thereafter not attractive to zombies. This seemed to suggest and support the basic theory of zombie motive, which is to infect and keep infecting. Zombies often may not be attracted to infected people. I’ll mention this test subject again later in subsequent books. His case is very interesting. There are zombie suits, like spacesuits, that are in use at Harvard and Texas A&M by researchers, which can at times make the researchers in the suits invisible to most zombies, but you won’t be able to depend on technology like this for your own survival needs in a standard zombie apocalypse.
18. A man approaches your compound and asks for sanctuary. You recognize him as Randall from the shoe store, a pothead with a bad attitude. What should you do?
a) Capture him and interrogate him for what he knows that could help you survive.
b) Shoot him.
c) Let him in; you can always make room for one more.
d) Give him some weapons and tell him he is on probation and will have to prove himself to remain a long-term member of your team.
e) None of these because zombies are not real.
Discussion: While I won’t say that b) is a bad choice, a) is just a better choice. Information is valuable in a zombie outbreak event. Then if you don’t like the results of the interrogation, you can choose another follow-up option. You owe no allegiance to anyone. If this degenerate can’t quickly demonstrate his value and ability to improve your chances of surviving, then you need to get rid of him. Sometimes these Occupy Wall Street losers have a come to Jesus moment in a crisis and they step up and become heroes. I wouldn’t bet on this potential. After ten minutes of interrogation I would know what to do next and I don’t plan on being nice at all in a zombie outbreak event. People I team with need to always pull their weight and make a positive contributions. Some people make a positive contribution when they join a team and some people make a positive contribution when they leave a team.