Any physical damage they do to you, including biting and ripping into you, severely compromises your immune system. Thus, infection and reanimation can be as high as 99.999%.
This is also why chopping off your limb when you get bitten is just stupid. There are people who are killed by zombies and they do not reanimate because the zombies ripped into them too far or otherwise injured them causing great damage and so caused them to die even though they did not get infected by the Z-virus or they were quite possibly immune to the Z-virus. Zombies can kill you without infecting you.
One more thing, zombies cannot regenerate. They cannot heal themselves. A zombie that falls out of a high window and breaks a lot of bones may die if there is significant head trauma from the fall. If the head is intact and the legs are broken, this zombie will not be able to walk. Zombies do not feel pain, so it will still crawl after you, but it can’t walk or run after you with broken legs. This is why shooting a zombie in the knees or chopping at the zombie’s knees with your ax or sword can help you survive if you’re not able to hit its head.
My 10 basic Zombie Outbreak Survival Rules:
1. I must survive. Nobody’s survival is more important than my own.
2. Shoot first and ask questions later.
3. Thou shalt seek: 1. Shelter – 2. Weapons – 3. Water – 4. Food – 5. Allies.
4. Build or form a survival coalition, league, union, team, cooperative, partnership, or alliance.
5. Don’t go out at night.
6. Dress for Success.
7. Get out of town.
8. You must protect your government.
9. Always be willing to make hard and tough choices.
10. When in doubt, in a hurry, or under extreme pressure, always default to Rule No. 1.
Note: These are the short version of The Rules. You need to read my book, Zombie Outbreak Survival: The Rules if you want to get a full understanding of my rules. This short list will probably get you killed without the full set of rules and survival tips included in my book.
Remember: “Surviving a zombie outbreak is hard, but it’s harder if you’re fucking stupid and you don’t stick to the rules.”
The Final Exam is next. If anything before now confused you, that’s okay. Just go back and read it again. If you’re ready, I’ll keep going.
My zombie thought quote of the day: “Guns don't kill people. People kill people. And zombies don’t shoot people in the back and steal their shit. People shoot people in the back and steal their shit. In any pandemic pandemonium, we need to fear the dead and be prepared to deal with the living too.”
{Return to Table of Contents}
The Definitive Test
What makes my test definitive? Well, it’s definitive primarily because the word definitive is in the title. I think that explains enough.
So the world is soon going to end up in the crapper. The fecal matter is soon going to impact a rotating aerial oscillator. The world is soon going to turn into a shit sandwich. The Mayans were not for from right. Tough times are a comin’ and you need to get ready. That’s where I come in.
Consider me as your zombie apocalypse preparation and survival expert consultant. When it comes to zombie apocalypse survival, I wrote the book. As you know from studying my many zombie outbreak survival books, this time of year (the end of year holidays) is prime time for a pandemic outbreak event and a subsequent zombie apocalypse. You are reading my books at the perfect time to help ensure your survival. Good on you for that. September every year is National Preparedness Month. Prepared for what? Why would the US government target the month of September for preparedness? You know why.
Use The Definitive Test to check your zombie outbreak survival learning curve. Here I present to you part one of a two-part multiple choice test, which will highlight the areas you still need to improve on before things get bad. The first part is The Definitive Test, 50 questions. In part two, I explain the correct answers to The Definitive Test questions one by one. You can take this test open-book style and use my previous books to help you select the one best answer to each question. Track your answers and stay tuned in the next chapter for the correct answers with discussion.
Disclaimer: As you read the questions, do your best. If you get the wrong answer, hang in there because I will discuss all the right and wrong answers in the next chapter. If you didn’t study all my previous books, you will get some wrong maybe a lot. I will definitely explain the right answers in full details later. Then you will know and you will understand and you will feel better and then you just might survive.
Why are my answers the right answers? Just remember, I’m Captain Allen and you’re not!
1. Pandemic zombie outbreaks are most likely to occur during which one of the following events.
a. After an earthquake that buries lots people under tons of rubble.
b. After a pandemic viral outbreak where millions of people are killed by something like the flu.
c. After a tsunami where thousands of people are killed by drowning.
d. After a terrorist attack like a car bombing.
e. None of these because zombies are not real.
2. Which category of zombies are you most likely to encounter during a zombie outbreak?
a. Stage 2 zombies, stumbling bumbling around biting anything that moves.
b. Stage 6 zombies that are not interested in infecting new people.
c. Stage 1 zombies, the highest stage that can operate machines and use weapons.
d. Stage 4 zombies that can use crude weapons and sometimes work together.
e. None of these because zombies are not real.
3. A zombie is trapped in the storm cellar of a home. What should you do?
a. Leave it there and avoid it because it will eventually die on its own.
b. Kill it in the storm cellar.
c. Keep it alive for entertainment.
d. Lead it out of the cellar and away and then kill it.
e. None of these because zombies are not real.
4. You see a random man in the streets swinging a sledge hammer at zombies. What should you do?
a. Nothing.
b. Shoot him because he appears to be very stupid.
c. Run out and help him because everyone deserves to live.
d. Shoot the zombies around him so he will have a better chance to survive.
e. None of these because zombies are not real.
5. A few zombies have broken into your perimeter. What is the best weapon to use to eradicate them?
a. Kung Fu throwing stars.
b. An AR-15.
c. A chainsaw.
d. Booby-traps.
e. None of these because zombies are not real.
6. Zombies are randomly loitering in the streets and in your way. What is the safest way to quickly deal with them so you can keep going directly to your intended target?
a. Use a dog as a decoy to lead them away.
b. Use an AK-47 to shoot them all because it is a distance weapon with excellent power.
c. Pour gas on them and set them on fire.
d. Use an M-16 because it is one-shot; one-kill.
e. None of these because zombies are not real.
7. In a zombie pandemonium, who is the most valuable person to form an alliance with?
a. A man because all men are superior.
b. A survival badass, because badasses will increase your survivability.
c. A woman, because well you know…
d. A doctor, because they know how to care for sick people and can help you find a cure.
e. None of these because zombies are not real.
8. Which of the following are the best places to get training to survive a zombie apocalypse?
a. Military, Boy Scouts, ROTC programs, local community first-responders courses.
b. Med school, church, construction trades, frat house zombie parties.
c. YouTube, video games, zombie movies, Halloween events.
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d. 5K zombie races, martial arts classes, boot-camp style cardio workouts.
e. None of these because zombies are not real.
9. You are out of bullets. What back-up weapons should you quickly switch to?
a. A chainsaw, pruning shears, or some other gardening equipment.
b. Speed, Stealth, Distance.
c. Look around and find something to make a rudimentary lathe.
d. Your trusty hunting knife, a sword, throwing stars; anything with a sharp edge.
e. None of these because zombies are not real.
10. One of the members of your team was bitten by a zombie in the last melee. What should you do?
a. Wait and see if she turns into a zombie.
b. Kill her now and redistribute her shit.
c. Chop off the part of her body with the bite.
d. Make her drink 4 gallons of salt water or a massive dose of tequila.
e. None of these because zombies are not real.
11. You come across a stash of weapons and you cannot take them all. Which of these weapons and their ammo will you take with you as your main priority?
a. The shotguns.
b. The 9mm pistols.
c. The chainsaws.
d. The M240 Golf.
e. None of these because zombies are not real.
12. A zombie just bit you and you are pretty sure you are not immune. What should you do?
a. Hide in a closet with a bottle of whiskey, waiting for the Z-virus to kill you.
b. Hide your condition from the people around you because they will discriminate against the infected.
c. Chop off the part of your body that was bitten.
d. Go out in a blaze of glory taking out as many zombies and bad guys as you can find before you turn.
e. None of these because zombies are not real.
13. It’s easier to survive a zombie apocalypse if you are:
a. A total badass.
b. Friends with total badasses.
c. Not stupid.
d. All the above.
e. None of these because zombies are not real.
14. In a zombie outbreak survival event, which of the following should be your main priority?
a. Finding food.
b. Finding water.
c. Finding gold and jewels.
d. Finding shelter.
e. None of these because zombies are not real.
15. Which of the following people are extra vulnerable in a zombie apocalypse?
a. People with kids.
b. Healthy people who are current on their medical evals and who also get all their shots.
c. People who don’t wash their hands.
d. Assholes.
e. None of these because zombies are not real.
16. Which of the following myths are not true about zombies?
a. Zombies like to eat brains.
b. Zombies, for some strange reason, will attack Black people more than other people.
c. Zombies are not real.
d. All the above myths are NOT true.
e. None of these because zombies are not real.
17. A zombie horde is coming your way and you need to move. Which of the following is your best survival tactic in this situation?
a. Rig your shelter to remotely blow up if a zombie horde comes.
b. Use stealth, speed, and distance to fall back to your back-up shelter.
c. Cover yourself in feces and zombie guts and goop and pretend to be a zombie.
d. Utilize every weapon and all the ammo and explosives in your arsenal to repel them to hang on to your shit for as long as you can.
e. None of these because zombies are not real.
18. A man approaches your compound and asks for sanctuary. You recognize him as Randall from the shoe store, a pothead with a bad attitude. What should you do?
a. Capture him and interrogate him for what he knows that could help you survive.
b. Shoot him.
c. Let him in; you can always make room for one more.
d. Give him some weapons and tell him he is on probation and will have to prove himself to remain a long-term member of your team.
e. None of these because zombies are not real.
19. You enter an abandoned town. Where do you expect to find the best place to take shelter?
a. The police station.
b. A movie theater.
c. A grocery store.
d. A church.
e. None of these because zombies are not real.
20. You are searching the town and avoiding the zombies in the town. You find several places where things you may need are located. What should you do?
a. Grab as much as you can and bring it back to your shelter so you will never have to leave your shelter again.
b. Mark where these things are located on a map, include the safest route to those locations, and begin making strategic plans for getting supplies when you need them.
c. Booby-trap each location to prevent others from taking your shit.
d. Quickly move to the next town because this is too good to be a good thing.
e. None of these because zombies are not real.
21. Which of the following things can be eaten if you have to survive during a zombie apocalypse and there is no other food?
a. Bugs.
b. Rats.
c. Pets.
d. All the above…if it moves you can probably eat it.
e. None of these because zombies are not real.
22. Which of the following survival skills is the most important in a pandemic zombie pandemonium event?
a. The ability to lead.
b. Charisma and the ability to make friends.
c. The ability to cook.
d. The ability to treat wounds.
e. None of these because zombies are not real.
23. In a classic pandemic zombie outbreak that piggy-backs a deadly pandemic flu event, what is more likely to kill you?
a. Zombies
b. The flu
c. Kids
d. Bad guys; assholes
e. None of these because zombies are not real.
24. As a general zombie pandemonium survival rule, you should ALWAYS…
a. Kill the zombie closest to you.
b. Shoot first and ask questions later.
c. Shoot any asshole that threatens your survival.
d. All of the above.
e. None of these because zombies are not real.
25. As a general zombie apocalypse survival rule, you should NEVER…
a. Go out at night.
b. Get married and/or have kids.
c. Shoot at things if you are not absolutely sure of what they are.
d. Leave the city.
e. None of these because zombies are not real.
Okay, take a break! How are you doing? Are you suicidal? These twenty-five questions are just the first half of The Definitive Zombie Outbreak Survival Test. If you do not answer these questions with supreme confidence and get enough of these questions right, then your survival is at great risk. The second half of The Definitive Test is much harder than this first part and it also has 25 questions. Remember, I included the correct answers with discussion in the next chapter. There I will discuss the answers to each question and clarify several fine points of surviving a zombie apocalypse. Good luck with the rest of the test. Your survival and maybe the survival of humanity depends on it.
Did you get your flu shot this year?
No!!?!?!!
It’s anti-vaccination people like you who will be the reason the world falls into the fecal receptacle and we all end up trussed, trapped, and attached to another object by and inclined plane, wrapped helically around an axis of zombie pandemonium (means screwed). Stop trying to screw humanity and go get a flu shot!
The Definitive Test (Part 2)
Again, what makes my test definitive? Well, it’s definitive primarily because as you can plainly s
ee the word definitive is in the title. Now quit dicking around and take the rest of the test already.
I am proud to offer Part 2 of the final exam (Questions 26-50). Well, the real “final exam” is what happens to you in a real zombie outbreak. So this test is merely a nice way to proactively check your zombie outbreak survival knowledge. As with Part 1, you can take this test open-book style and use my previous books to help you select the one best answer to each question. Track your answers and stay tuned to the next chapter for the correct answers with discussion. Remember, I’m Captain Allen and you’re not!
26. Which of the following statements is true about typical zombies?
a. Zombies can read your mind.
b. Zombies can’t dance.
c. Zombies are afraid of crucifixes and never enter holy ground like a church.
d. Zombies have no emotions.
e. None of these because zombies are not real.
27. A friend is preparing for the impending global pandemic zombie outbreak. He constructs a safe shelter out of the storm shelter in his backyard. What’s wrong with his plan?
a. Storm shelters are designed to protect you from storms and not deadly pandemic viral events and zombie apocalypses.
b. Unless that storm shelter has at least a second and secret exit, it’s probably just going to be his tomb.
c. It’s in his backyard.
d. All of the above highlight what’s wrong with this friend’s plan.
e. None of these because zombies are not real.
28. Zombies are everywhere. You are all alone. Which of these would be the best place to create a zombie pandemonium survival shelter?
a. A boat.
b. The mountains.
c. A prison.
d. The sewers.
e. None of these because zombies are not real.
29. Zombies are everywhere. You are all alone. Which of these would be the best place to create a zombie pandemonium survival shelter?
a. A church.
b. A ranch.
c. A mall.
d. A movie theater.
e. None of these because zombies are not real.